Sunday, April 12, 2009
Since the last cheerful post,a drastic change subtly overtook my emotions. The developement of so much in such a few days...
Firstly, Tampiness 1 opened. Went there on the 2nd day, not much there, long queues, great promotions (but still expensive), and many shops. Nothing special.
Secondly, my yang qing teacher liu lao shi is returning to China forever. When I first hear the news, a wave of sadness overcame me, then surprise. Sadness at her coming leave, surpirse at my sadness. For a person who has never been very enthusiastic about CO, who has never had much feelings for teachers, i actually felt sadness. One of the teachers with the greatest impact on me was lee lao shi, my p6 HCL teacher. But even so, i did not feel sad about her when i graduated. Liu lao shi only started teaching me in year 2, and we have not been very close. Yet, I felt this sadness. Why? Looking back, i think i was grateful at her coming in yr 2, replacing my fierce ex-yang qing teacher. Although not a great yang qing teacher (her passion lay in teaching the percussion people), liu lao shi was nice to us, and most importantly, she revived my interest in CO, my pride in CO, my sense of self worth in CO, and my determination to rise again. I remember that in year 1, i used to play as well as JJ (Jin Jia), sometimes even better(or did my brain purposely edit my memory to remember it as thus? I really played well , i think). For some reason my level fell in year 2. The fear of scoldings, the high level of time commitment and always so much below JJ made me hate CO. I started poning. Once, twice, gradually many times. The more I poned, the more i knew my CCA testimonial was gone case, the more i hated CO and poned. Sometime at the end of year 2, two yang qings were to be selected for a TBY song named tu pi pa. Somehow, liu lao shi chose me and JJ. Her trust and confidence in me to pull this song off surprised me, and motivated me to not fail her trust. Gradually, I improved (though never again was i as good as JJ), regained my dejected sense of self woth in CO, developed a determination to do better. Guess I want to say thanks, liu lao shi. Also, according to Jau Loong and Yue Heng last year,their teachers would sometimes waste their lesson times by chit-chatting with other shang yin teachers. Liu lao shi never did that.
Thirdly, I fell into purgatory again after peace for one year. Ironic timing, ironic venue, ironic activity, ironic subject. This realisation made me very sad, regretful, and... ironic. I laugh at the irony, at the impossibility... All i can say is, my junior is much faster than Jing Ting (no offense, JT, but u took so many hints). In the middle of hell and heaven... how ironic.
Fourthly, liu lao shi's leave was cold water which woke me to the fact that my life was changing very soon, and drastically. Into senior high, leaving CO, leaving 4I, so many other changes. I regret so much things that I lost or did not do... like our yang qing relationships for example. Seniors, gone case. Our batch, from friends to strangers. My juniors are my comfort, that they are so open and... full of life. (my junior better not read this or they will give me a hell of a teasing)
Anyway, have been doing some reflections on my fall. I lost so much of my ability to feel... or at least, i kept them hidden. An indiffernece to mask my face, a face that hides my feelings, feelings that makes my fall a destiny. To keep off hurt,i don't wan to experience those again. To keep off my sacrifices, after being used so foolishly a few times. And many more. But sometimes, i cant help it, and now, im falling again. But while im falling, it means im still in the air, it means i was once high, and the falling sensation is currently intoxicating.
posted by Sylvia @
7:39 AM